Through the window

I returned from my meeting to find my message light blinking.  Not unusual given it is during the week during the work day…

But the message was unusual.  The message was uncomfortable and unsettling for the simple fact that it wasn’t a message at all but a phone gone a rye. 

The message – a normal conversation between two people.  There was nothing off the wall or out of the norm contained in the two minutes of voices chatting, casually, back and forth.  And yet, I felt like I had bugged the bedroom of the most loving couple engaged in the most intimate activities – or like I was overhearing a conversation about love and feelings and emotions.  And yet, the tones weren’t loving or filled with emotion or intimacy in the slightest.

A while back I read that part of a marriage (or any long term relationship) is the intimacy that develops through time and simply being together.  It might not be the intimacy that comes with trust or physical engagement or anything like that.  In fact, it can develop in the most cold house or in the most platonic of relationships – but it develops all the same. 

It is the intimacy of people being not on public view.  It is the intimacy of sharing a home or a life.  It is the intimacy of sharing a bed even if you gave up any physical connection fifty years ago…

The conversation was ordinary – and it was intimate in just how ordinary it was.  The tones weren’t emotional or overly loving.  There wasn’t flirtation or banter.  It was a conversation between my parents talking about the weather or engaged in a discussion about the road as they drive.

The whole thing and my reaction caught me off guard.  It left we wondering if a phone accidently ever dialed while I was talking to someone.  (Not that it matters, as it doesn’t as it happens to people all the time)  But I wondered what the other person overheard? 

I could have hung up the phone when I realized that it was just a casual conversation, but I didn’t. I didn’t really understand what it was until it was nearly finished.  That surprised me as well as I am not obsessive about things, like people, in the slightest.  I am curious but not enough to invade privacy or track them down and note everything they do or say or whatever.  People are… people.  The President of the US or the average Joe American… we are all just, people. 

But I didn’t hang up.  I listened.  I wondered about the emotions, or lack there of, expressed.  I wondered at the intimacy included in the most mundane and ordinary conversation…

I wondered about people, single and married, making such a huge deal about wanting and finding intimacy… and whether they realize that intimacy is actually right there, before them, in their every day lives.  It is in the simplest conversation or touch.  It is something that we might not even notice (until we miss it) but that someone else picks up easily.  That it isn’t trust or honesty but shared space just as much as anything else.  It is that which people miss most when it is gone.

Yet, perhaps I am mistaking comfort and safety for intimacy?  Perhaps couples often mistake one for the other as within everyday living there is a degree of intimacy that comes from the comfortable and safe environment.  It is intimacy in its own way.  It is not the intimacy that comes from time and trust at the deepest of emotional levels.  It isn’t the intimacy that happens when people reveal themselves completely and allow another to see them for exactly who they are.  

This conversation was intimate in the degree of casualness.  It was intimate in that it wasn’t to have included me.    

And… maybe I am just reading way too much into this accidental voice mail that sent my mind wandering…

That Man

He stood in my office door…

6 plus feet of attractive, intelligent, witty manliness. 

I smiled as I turned to talk to him – hearing him criticize the bags of stuff on my office floor waiting for me to find the time to take them to the shredder. 

“I can’t believe you are leaving me…” I smiled and winged… and yet it is possible to do both at the same time.  “Everyone is leaving me…”

“I thought you were out of here a while ago.”  He comments referring to changing, great professional changes, that were on the horizon last year.  The changes that didn’t transpire due to changes in staffing and work loads.  The changes in my life that I anticipated only to have other parts of my life change instead.  I explain this to him and that right now, professional stability is required, but I am okay with changes in the future… maybe even a move from the area?  Who knows.  

As he talks about the position he has secured and his future plans to move to Texas, my thoughts drift back to a meeting years prior where I first laid eyes upon this tall Texan with the bad boy attitude.  I remember the meeting.  I remember the topic as it is my specialization.  I remember this smart mouth Texan sitting there with that “grin” on his face poking holes in the argument set forth by the presenter. 

I remember knowing that this man was someone I would enjoy having around the office!! 

It isn’t often that one finds the passionate person in an office setting.  I don’t mean that office workers and executives aren’t passionate, as they often are.  I mean the workers with the sarcasm and the wit – the men and women who are just a tad “different” in that they are the square pegs in the office.  They are those that think just a bit differently, dress just a tad off, and have an energy about them that sets them a part. 

It takes one to know one – right? 

“You are taking a lot of business with you.  There is no one that can replace you.”  I tell him with great honesty.  He is one of a kind in the office, his work, and in spirit.  He is the one man in the office that I trust completely to do a quality job and consider all options – and not to fall under the thumb of politics.  He says it like it is.  “You’re one of a kind.”

“I don’t know if that is a good thing…” he smiles.  “I am not sure the world could handle more than one of me.”

“Oh… I could handle *pause*  *did I say that out loud*… “  and then I turned red.

People, we aren’t talking light pink.  We aren’t even talking slightly red.  We are talking crimson.  We are talking the kid of red that cartoon characters turn when they eat something hot just before steam comes out their ears and their head explodes. 

“I can’t believe I just said that!”  I buried my face in my hands.  I am so accustomed, right now, to thinking and not speaking that I think I have started thinking aloud…

Given my relationship with this man – this man with whom I have spent many hours over the past years – the comment was not out of line or truly out of character.  We have often gone toe-to-toe to see just how close we can get to that line… that line of no return.  That line that we have never crossed though we have ventured close from time-to-time.

So my comment didn’t phase him.  It might have surprised him but it didn’t phase him. 

The truth is – I will miss him.  I will miss this man who has lightened my spirits and proven to be a worthy  opponent in the game of banter – both political and flirtation. 

I will miss this man who leaves me feeling that much more feminine simply by being in the room – and I will miss his respect for my mind and his belief in my abilities as well.

The office just won’t be the same without him!

Taking Flight

We kicked off our shoes and headed to the dunes.  The sand felt hot against the bottoms of our wave worn feet.  Above, the sun  shown brightly from a pristine blue sky making this a wonderful day for my daughter to try her hand at hang gliding.

Nerves tinged her conversation with me as she flitted and flew over the hot sand.  As the crew assembled and set up the kite, she took her place amidst the kids without a second thought.  When the team leader called for a volunteer to take the first flight, her hand flew into the air as if it were on wings of its own. 

I had to smile.  Whether it is dancing on stage or hanging from a rope feet in the air, my kid is first in line letting her love of life and experience tamper her nerves. 

She hung from the rope beneath the kite.

She put her hands at the bar.

She yelled “clear” without a waver in her voice. 

She took her first running steps and…

Off the dune she went!

I smiled with delight – my heart taking flight with her.  Delight crossed her face as she landed, on her feet, on the sand below.  Laughter bubbled forth as she raced the instructors up the dune to take her second flight. 

“She looked like she loved it,” the television reporter commented. 

“Oh, she did!”

For the next hour, I watched my daughter getting the feel for hang gliding.  She told the reporter about her nerves, her excitement, and the joy of flight.  She didn’t complain about the time between flights or engage in the criticism expressed by the boys in her group.  Rather, she ran, laughed, played with the instructors, and flew!

My daughter never ceases to amaze me.  My heart thrilled with her enthusiasm and her never ending determination to fly and enjoy the experience.  This child teaches me so much – I wonder if all parents experience this wonder and the exchange of teaching and learning with their kids?

A few months ago I would have grabbed my mobile phone and dialed eagerly sharing this child, this love, and her experience with my best friend.  I would have talked 100 miles a minute and filled his ears with my descriptions and thoughts and emotions hoping to paint him a picture of the experience unfolding in those moments.  Sharing that love with my best friend always enriched the experience for me – whether it meant anything to him or not – I don’t know! 

Now, as I stood on the hot sand under these gorgeous blue skies absorbing the brilliance of the sun coupled with the enthusiasm of my daughter, I felt a shiver in my heart.  I can no longer pick up the phone and share this love and these experiences with my best friend; I no longer have a best friend. 

I pulled the experience close around me to warm me.  The realization that I no longer had a best friend with whom I could share my daughter and such moments as this rocked my world, if only for just a moment. 

Right here, right now, my daughter soared down dunes.  Under colorful kite wings, she experienced flight in a way that only she could. 

I may have shed a few – just a few- tears… for the wonder that is my daughter, for the gift of such a wonderful experience for her and for me, for the realization that my best friend is truly no longer available to share this love with me, and for the simple beauty of life and all that awaits.

As my daughter lifted her feet to fly, we each looked to the future and all that awaits.  There will be more flights, many more experiences, and much more laughter.  There will be more tears as well, but like today, we will each continue to cherish each moment and live it fully – whether that is with our feet on the ground or whether we are supported by our wings!

 

Sailboat - Memoir Monday

Tears crowded the corner of my eyes as I stood looking at the sailboat stranded on the rocks.  The moon shone off its body as waves gently brushed against its side as if to comfort and to soothe.

I remember the silence.  The sound of the waves whispering as they brushed against the sand – the cold sand upon which I stood.  The site of this boat, the boat meant for the wind and the waves and the open water, touched my heart in ways that I never would have anticipated.

I felt sad, perhaps even a touch of grief.  The sorrow that comes from deep within; the sorrow that comes when seeing something very out of place or far removed from its natural space.  This boat needed to be sailing.  It was meant for open spaces and wind and water and movement.

This graceful boat, stranded on rocks, on a cold winter night along the coast of one of America’s most beautiful cities.  Today, 15 years later, the image touches my heart in ways that I am unable to describe.  It is an image that I have wanted to paint since that very moment and yet…

And yet, I am not sure that I could ever capture in color or in words the sadness and the beauty of that scene.  I am not sure that I could replicate everything that existed in those few moments. 

Alone the boat stood, in the water, waves soothing, moon streaming… It stood alone on the rocks.  It touched my heart.  The image remains strong in my memory.  Perhaps I am, at times, that beautiful sailboat, stranded on rocks, soothed by waves, highlighted in moonbeams, remaining strong and graceful despite the circumstances. 

Blind Men and the Elephant

The Blind Men and the Elephant

It was six men of Indostan

To learning much inclined,

Who went to see the Elephant

(Though all of them were blind),

That each by observation

Might satisfy his mind

 - American poet John Godfrey Saxe (1816-1887)

 

Nearly a week after a meeting I attended, I had the chance to chat with another who sat through the same meeting.  It didn’t take long for each of us to realize that, to listen to either of us, one would think we had been in two different meetings rather than the same. 

Curious, no?

I immediately thought of this poem – the story of the Blind Men and the Elephant and the lesson it is meant to teach. 

We each rely upon our own senses, experiences, and perceptions.  Thus, despite feeling the same animal or sitting in the same meeting, our perceptions and what we take away from the experiences can be vastly different.  As they were for the two of us.  Neither of us was more right than the other; neither more wrong.  We simply perceived and heard different things. 

In many cases, our differing perceptions and understandings don’t register.  The divergent thoughts are insignificant or carry no impact on the relationship or the world.  This can not be said in every situation. 

Often we view a situation through an intentional scope or a specific experience, belief, or lens.  We have something we seek or desire; we want a specific out come.  The information received often is filtered such that it supports our position or, in some cases, it is the information that doesn’t support tour position which allows us to strengthen our own beliefs. 

Other times we engage no filter.  We choose to open our hearts and our minds to the information that is offered.  The desire is to hear and absorb – or even to fully experience the moment. 

Still others, perhaps there is no lens, but our other senses are in control – the sense of smell is heightened.  Our ability to note detail is that much sharper.  The words spoken don’t register to the extent that the surrounding environment might. 

Each contributes to our understanding and experience.  Each would allow two people in the same meeting to hear and understand very different things. 

I would love to have a more complete understanding of that meeting; a more accurate view of what was experienced and what was taken from the conversations and the interplay.  It would be nice to have a bird’s eye view rather than the one seen through the lenses of our senses and experiences.  I can try to see that differing perspective, but the success of such an exercise is tenuous.  I have not walked in those shoes, lived those experiences, nor do I fully understand the filters used. 

This poses great complications when the issues and challenges involved must be addressed and worked through by all parties. 

I ended the conversation feeling as if I had just left an episode of the Twilight Zone.  It was surreal.  I remember our both being there.  I remember the questions posed and the answers given.  Yet, my experience seemed to exist in direct opposition to that of the other meeting attendee. 

We were like two blind men feeling the elephant.  

 

 

Turning to the World of Entertainment

John and Kate’s divorce has been in the news and on the internet  quite often of late.  I can’t imagine that going through their situation is easy in any sense, and having to do it in the public eye has to make it that much more difficult.  That said, from the little I have read, the two of them seem to be handling it well with each looking out for the best interests of the kids.  (I love that they are moving in and out while letting the kids keep the house.  I hope that this strategy will work for them.)

Although I have to admit that I actually have no idea who John and Kate are – yes, seriously – as I don’t watch that much television, my heart goes out to their situation.  Endings are never easy even when one realizes that with the end comes a new beginning.  There are emotions to work through and logistics with which to deal.  When there are kids involved… the situation becomes that much more difficult simply because  they react differently than do the adults.  Not to mention that the adults are working through their own issues while hoping to offer the security and support to the kids as they work through different issues entirely.

Kids work on their own schedules and time frames.  After all, they are humans with emotions and differing experiences than the adults involved.  They process differently just like adults.  Some kids might react well, without issue, and then… out of the blue, the issues appear with the questions and the processing.  Others might react immediately and work through it quickly.  Still others internalize it all until they are ready to talk.  It is difficult for kids as they are kids and as kids they don’t have a full grasp of the situation nor do they have the ability to fully understand the emotions at play.  They simply see that things change.  They wonder how they fit.  They consider their role.  They might even struggle to see how things will look when the dust settles.  

Parents watch their kids – wanting only to do what is best and yet sometimes trying to control the situation which isn’t possible.  Isn’t it kind of natural for parents to work hard to protect their kids – which often means controlling the situation to the extent possible… providing lots of distractions, not giving enough information, isolating them from distraction and support in order to control the environment, feeling open for questions and conversations and yet not being approachable.  Parents work to help their kids and give them the support necessary and yet, often are so wrapped up in the desire to be there and provide support etc, that they don’t listen, don’t give permission for questions, and simply forget that kids aren’t adults.  They need different things.  They might deal with issues differently.  They are working with new emotions; emotions that parents might not understand as those kids are living a different experience.  Parents forget, in the desire to protect, that they might simply need time and space and distraction and reality and love.  

While the kids are working through everything on their own time and in their own space – and parents are hoping that they are helping them through it – the adults are doing the same.  The process can be an emotional soup!  Sometimes with everyone in a good place and sometimes… well, everyone is not.

I can’t imagine having to do this in the public spotlight as John and Kate are doing to some extent.  Working through adult relationship issues is difficult.  People go to extremes to fix, save, work through, end, or come to terms with relationship situations.  They pay thousands of dollars in counseling costs and lawyer fees in attempts to work things through, save marriages, protect their interests, and pursue divorce if it comes to that.  John and Kate don’t have the luxury of being private citizens who can isolate themselves completely from friends and family in order to find their way or build a reality and bond that will then, hopefully, withstand the pressures of reality(friends, family, activities…life) once they emerge from this isolation.  Kate and John must work through this in such a way that will not hurt their kids and with the continual awareness that the public is watching.  Reality surrounds them; isolation is not possible.

While much of America watches, I have to admit that I will not be paying much attention to this situation.  John and Kate are doing what they believe to be best for their family which is what adults and parents do.  I have no doubt that they will have lots of help and support as they work through this as will their kids.  I truly wish them all the best just as I appreciate their courage to meet this situation head on, in the public eye, and in the midst of the pressures of those around them and who may judge them.  While many might be concerned as to how things look and the perceptions of others, these two adults and parents seem to be working hard to do all that they can for their kids and a future team parenting experience.

Life

We can never understand the actions or motives of another because we do not live their experience.

We can empathize.  We can show compassion.  Yet, we are unable to walk in another’s shoes and understand their choices simply and largely because we are not them.