There are times when I believe I just might think too much. As impulsive and compulsive as I might appear at first glance, well, I am not sure that the perception is accurate. An astronomer told me this years ago... a reflection of the "Leo" in my chart. I am not sure I took the time to examine the thought carefully - at least I didn't examine it as much as I have of late.
As I sit and contemplate the words that will join together to form an essay on Role Models, I am asked to consider the more cautious and cautious aspects of my nature.
Whether or not I am or will ever be a role model for my daughter, I have set myself to allow her to make that choice... and I have lived a life that she could use as a model in many ways. And I have done it with complete awareness and focus on just that. It isn't that I am working to be someone I am not; It is that I want to be the person that I am.
And it isn't always easy; painless; or clean and sparkly with stars and rainbows. But I try to keep it - and myself- as honest as possible.
Before she was born, I set aside the things I wanted to teach her with the idea that I couldn't teach them through words but through living them:
Integrity
Risk
Appreciation for life and people
Demonstration of Love
Empathy and Compassion
And in teaching her these things, I found myself opening to learn those things that she offers to teach me:
Observance of the details
Taking the time to help others
Awareness of people to a greater degree than before
Remaining open to hear the words of a child and see their wisdom and their joy
Laughter
Freedom to sing and dance along sidewalks
In living the life of a potential role model, I found myself open to seeing the role model that shares my house and my life. And though she is and will always be my daughter, she is a wonderful model of living a full and honest life.
"Your daughter is naturally beautiful" the older woman behind the counter tells us. She has seen my daughter grow over the last few years and come more into her own. "I see lots of teen aged girls come in and they are so worried about this and that and acting... But your daughter *sigh* is naturally beautiful (like her mom)"
My heart sang; my daughter felt awkward as she likes recognition for her ability, not for just being herself... and I was reminded how maybe I have presented a good role model after all.
Adults often dismiss their actions believing that kids will learn from what they are intentionally taught over what they consistently observe. I believe that kids hear our words, but our actions, our choices, the way we choose to live our lives - These are lessons kids learn on so many levels and in so many ways. The strongest lessons are those both stated verbally and via our lifestyle and choices.
21 March, 2012
19 March, 2012
An Exercise in Role Models
I am returning to the world of writing - the joy of the written form of voice and expression. My first attempt to write an essay that focuses upon the topic of "role models" is below. Role Models... for me, this is a topic of great significance as I believe that it is through modeling that we teach our children, demonstrate love, and exhibit the person that we are. Our actions speak louder than our words - though ideally our words and actions aline with integrity.
So here is a paragraph:
They are a mirror image of one another; not in looks but in behavior. Their actions reflect in perfect harmony.
Like Mother; Like Son.
A study in nature and nurture with nurture proving to be of greater significance.
Though "Do as I say, not as I do" might never have been said, its consistency is apparent in her parenting as it is in his.
09 March, 2012
More of the Story... Regarding my Silence
How long it has been since I last visited this pace... and How weird it is to have had so much time pass without my really noticing it.
A few years ago I was consistently stalked on the internet; and, I sometimes wonder if I just didn't lose a desire to write at that point.
I kept writing with the full knowledge that the person was out there, reading. I kept writing, though I noted that I changed what I wrote and my comfort with posting changed.
I did not start this blog to feel inhibited writing. I started it and wrote posts that were honest, sometimes fun, sometimes flirtatious, and always true to me.
And I didn't mind who read.
When posting in a very public forum, it is impossible to start to care who reads because that is not the point, but it is also kind of odd to care who reads your words and yet post them so publicly.
And yet, when you are stalked...
When someone is purposefully going out of their way to read everything you write
When someone spends hours upon days upon months and months reading everything, analyzing the words....
When that same person starts to change her looks to resemble yours
The natural desire is to close up shop and take down the open sign for good.
Regardless of the attempts, how much she read, how much she tried to change, I am well aware that she could not ever be me...
But that didn't make this process more comfortable in the slightest.
And then life moved in a different direction.
Is she still out there reading?
I just don't know. I don't write enough to really look and see.
The question is more what do I have to write about anymore that doesn't leave me feeling open and exposed to the world?
I kept writing despite knowing she was reading.
And time passed, and I wrote less and less.
And now I am not sure what there is to say anymore?
I love sharing my life and am not against openly sharing it with friends and strangers alike
But I hesitate to share it with people who read my words in order to know me and hurt me or present a toxic present in my life.
Today, for the first time in ages, I did a Google search on myself not surprised to find the low number of hits. I lvoe Google - I can find anything with Google, or so it seems.
However, I don't Google people.
Having been on the receiving end of that use of the internet - I prefer to allow people space; to learn about them directly; and to allow for surprises.
I keep thinking that I will come back here... That I will once again write here, in this space... and yet I am not sure that it is the right place for me anymore. I do wish I had answers.
A few years ago I was consistently stalked on the internet; and, I sometimes wonder if I just didn't lose a desire to write at that point.
I kept writing with the full knowledge that the person was out there, reading. I kept writing, though I noted that I changed what I wrote and my comfort with posting changed.
I did not start this blog to feel inhibited writing. I started it and wrote posts that were honest, sometimes fun, sometimes flirtatious, and always true to me.
And I didn't mind who read.
When posting in a very public forum, it is impossible to start to care who reads because that is not the point, but it is also kind of odd to care who reads your words and yet post them so publicly.
And yet, when you are stalked...
When someone is purposefully going out of their way to read everything you write
When someone spends hours upon days upon months and months reading everything, analyzing the words....
When that same person starts to change her looks to resemble yours
The natural desire is to close up shop and take down the open sign for good.
Regardless of the attempts, how much she read, how much she tried to change, I am well aware that she could not ever be me...
But that didn't make this process more comfortable in the slightest.
And then life moved in a different direction.
Is she still out there reading?
I just don't know. I don't write enough to really look and see.
The question is more what do I have to write about anymore that doesn't leave me feeling open and exposed to the world?
I kept writing despite knowing she was reading.
And time passed, and I wrote less and less.
And now I am not sure what there is to say anymore?
I love sharing my life and am not against openly sharing it with friends and strangers alike
But I hesitate to share it with people who read my words in order to know me and hurt me or present a toxic present in my life.
Today, for the first time in ages, I did a Google search on myself not surprised to find the low number of hits. I lvoe Google - I can find anything with Google, or so it seems.
However, I don't Google people.
Having been on the receiving end of that use of the internet - I prefer to allow people space; to learn about them directly; and to allow for surprises.
I keep thinking that I will come back here... That I will once again write here, in this space... and yet I am not sure that it is the right place for me anymore. I do wish I had answers.
02 February, 2012
Everyday is Groundhog Day!
"Everyday is Groundhog Day" I wrote this morning on my white board after putting out a wonderful fire drill that was both unexpected and unnecessary.
The office took a deep breath and "sigh" we were ready to start the day... again.
I would like to say that fire drills are a rare thing in my office - and we seem to think that they would be if a particular person would allow things to flow over trying to control everyone. But she does and so we have firedrills. We spend hours working on presentations that could be done in less than half the time; then, we spend hours writing the notes to those presentations... the notes that could have been drafted first...
And we end this process with headaches, discussions of hitting a near bar drinking hole and handfuls of chocolate.
Yesterday I noted the wonders of having a "tribe" to go through it -the ability to survive with a group rather than on your own.
Today I was made painfully aware of the ability of one person to take a molehill and turn it into a mountain that has to be topped "NOW!" (and CC me on everything)
"You are quick to smile," my manager told me this afternoon after I also told her that yesterday I was seriously not happy to be at work at all for the first time.
Reality, I have worked with passive aggressive people before, I get the control mentality... and I dislike it but I am not going to let this person ruin my day no matter how hard she tries - and she is trying. While my coworker is starting to experience anxiety attacks about coming to work and we spend lots of time jokingly suggesting that we all bring in yoga mats for a quick fifteen minutes of meditation each day... I find that I look for ways to laugh.
The day I can no longer smile or laugh... that is the day I find a new job. Life is just WAY too short.
Beyond that, I always have the "young" woman around the corner who has the very loud laugh... and who flirts with a coworker of mine for hours on end. I have no idea what is so funny, but... her laughter gives us all reason to change the subject.
"Do I laugh that loudly?"
"Did I behave like that when I was in my twenties?"
Or where we started today... "My sons are fascinated with my stories of 'real' records!"
The office took a deep breath and "sigh" we were ready to start the day... again.
I would like to say that fire drills are a rare thing in my office - and we seem to think that they would be if a particular person would allow things to flow over trying to control everyone. But she does and so we have firedrills. We spend hours working on presentations that could be done in less than half the time; then, we spend hours writing the notes to those presentations... the notes that could have been drafted first...
And we end this process with headaches, discussions of hitting a near bar drinking hole and handfuls of chocolate.
Yesterday I noted the wonders of having a "tribe" to go through it -the ability to survive with a group rather than on your own.
Today I was made painfully aware of the ability of one person to take a molehill and turn it into a mountain that has to be topped "NOW!" (and CC me on everything)
"You are quick to smile," my manager told me this afternoon after I also told her that yesterday I was seriously not happy to be at work at all for the first time.
Reality, I have worked with passive aggressive people before, I get the control mentality... and I dislike it but I am not going to let this person ruin my day no matter how hard she tries - and she is trying. While my coworker is starting to experience anxiety attacks about coming to work and we spend lots of time jokingly suggesting that we all bring in yoga mats for a quick fifteen minutes of meditation each day... I find that I look for ways to laugh.
The day I can no longer smile or laugh... that is the day I find a new job. Life is just WAY too short.
Beyond that, I always have the "young" woman around the corner who has the very loud laugh... and who flirts with a coworker of mine for hours on end. I have no idea what is so funny, but... her laughter gives us all reason to change the subject.
"Do I laugh that loudly?"
"Did I behave like that when I was in my twenties?"
Or where we started today... "My sons are fascinated with my stories of 'real' records!"
01 February, 2012
Welcome to the Jungle
There are days when I will pull just about anything out of my hat to lighten the mood, create a smile, or just break the general seriousness of the office.
Today it was "Hey, are you old enough to remember REM?"
Now it didn't matter to me that the man I posed this question to is my age or that REM didn't end its run of music making in the 80s, all that mattered was that we were talking and chatting about something not so serious.
The conversation that followed was quite interesting. The woman next to me commented that one of their songs was the "big thing" in 6th grade *sigh* but hey, she remembers REM.
My memories of REM are diverse. I remember them in college and maybe a bit earlier or later than that. My strongest memory of them is dancing with a Swedish guy to REM in a retro pub/club in Dublin. now that is what I remember most about REM.
Monday another woman brought in a little noise maker that talks when you hit it...
And other women have ensured that there is a huge supply of chocolate on the front desk.
one would think that we are in the midst of the coldest and snowiest winter on record - but we are actually just a bunch of people dealing with a stressful (due to people) office situation... trying to bring in as many smiles as possible.
"I think we should put a sign on the office door, 'Welcome to the Jungle.' "
That idea was very popular, at least people visiting would be prepared.
I always think, "I can survive anything for short periods of time." But now I am realizing that it is one thing to survive, it is something else to do it with others... and when you are all doing what you can to bring smiles and laughter to the situation... all the better!
Today it was "Hey, are you old enough to remember REM?"
Now it didn't matter to me that the man I posed this question to is my age or that REM didn't end its run of music making in the 80s, all that mattered was that we were talking and chatting about something not so serious.
The conversation that followed was quite interesting. The woman next to me commented that one of their songs was the "big thing" in 6th grade *sigh* but hey, she remembers REM.
My memories of REM are diverse. I remember them in college and maybe a bit earlier or later than that. My strongest memory of them is dancing with a Swedish guy to REM in a retro pub/club in Dublin. now that is what I remember most about REM.
Monday another woman brought in a little noise maker that talks when you hit it...
And other women have ensured that there is a huge supply of chocolate on the front desk.
one would think that we are in the midst of the coldest and snowiest winter on record - but we are actually just a bunch of people dealing with a stressful (due to people) office situation... trying to bring in as many smiles as possible.
"I think we should put a sign on the office door, 'Welcome to the Jungle.' "
That idea was very popular, at least people visiting would be prepared.
I always think, "I can survive anything for short periods of time." But now I am realizing that it is one thing to survive, it is something else to do it with others... and when you are all doing what you can to bring smiles and laughter to the situation... all the better!
26 January, 2012
Perceptions
it is January
it is the end of January... and I am about to venture outside without a coat.
I am sitting in my favorite seat, looking out the window, and reminding myself that I came here without a coat; I haven't worn a coat all day; and the temperature is only supposed to increase as the night progresses. I am fine without a coat.
Yet there is something about it being night in January in DC that leaves me wanting, even if I am not wearing, a coat.
*sigh*
Perceptions -
it is January in DC and therefore I perceive that I need a coat even if I don't.
My new manager perceives that she is being left out of everything as a result of her own insecurities over any sense of reality.
And I am perceiving myself as "old" even though there is no real reason for this outside the realization that I might not be as young as I often feel.
Today I was, in a round about way, reminded that age is only part of the story; that perceptions might seem and feel real, but they are... perceptions that aren't always based on reality.
it is the end of January... and I am about to venture outside without a coat.
I am sitting in my favorite seat, looking out the window, and reminding myself that I came here without a coat; I haven't worn a coat all day; and the temperature is only supposed to increase as the night progresses. I am fine without a coat.
Yet there is something about it being night in January in DC that leaves me wanting, even if I am not wearing, a coat.
*sigh*
Perceptions -
it is January in DC and therefore I perceive that I need a coat even if I don't.
My new manager perceives that she is being left out of everything as a result of her own insecurities over any sense of reality.
And I am perceiving myself as "old" even though there is no real reason for this outside the realization that I might not be as young as I often feel.
Today I was, in a round about way, reminded that age is only part of the story; that perceptions might seem and feel real, but they are... perceptions that aren't always based on reality.
25 January, 2012
A New Way of Working
"Hey" she took the seat next to me ready to burst with the news of the morning; News I didn't hear as we were quickly joined by others and the talk turned to doctors and cancer and the importance of actually making time to go to the OB/GYN despite our busy working mom schedules.
I sit tonight thinking as I have for the past few nights - how my work environment has altered.
Sure, i am in a new building, new people, new spaces... new people coming and going with different personalities.
But there is a change that is more atmospheric than any of that.
I went from a place of complete ease and comfort as a woman working in an all male environment to an environment where there seems to be no difference between men and women.
And that sounds weird, even as I type it, it sounds weird.
When working with men in the past, there has been a difference between the sexes. I don't mean overt and "out there" difference. it is more subtle in that it is carriage, confidence, experience. It is an ease of words and comfort with self - and maybe that is the result of working with retired military men?
And now... I am not sure if the guy next to me or the one around the corner realizes that I am female. I am not even sure that I realize he is male.
We are, as strange as it sounds, a group of professionals all sharing a building and a room and a job that has to be done.
There is no casual flirtation that often happens when women work with men.
There is no real male joking around.
And the language... clean as you can imagine outside of the office managers.
I could wear a sexy low cut dress or an uptight all black suit... and I am not sure anyone would actually know the difference.
Which leaves me wondering if we just don't have the time to look at one another or to know one another? Do we just not have the time to relax and build teams?
Do we just not care?
Given I spent the first part of my career disliking men looking at my chest over my eyes in a professional environment and considered myself a person with a brain over just a body... This is quite a new and odd feeling for me. i am now what I wanted to be... a professional, like many others... in a room of professionals. A brain with a body that is neither noticed or not noticed.
So I kicked off my shoes today and thought - I wonder if anyone will notice? And if they did, I will never know!
I sit tonight thinking as I have for the past few nights - how my work environment has altered.
Sure, i am in a new building, new people, new spaces... new people coming and going with different personalities.
But there is a change that is more atmospheric than any of that.
I went from a place of complete ease and comfort as a woman working in an all male environment to an environment where there seems to be no difference between men and women.
And that sounds weird, even as I type it, it sounds weird.
When working with men in the past, there has been a difference between the sexes. I don't mean overt and "out there" difference. it is more subtle in that it is carriage, confidence, experience. It is an ease of words and comfort with self - and maybe that is the result of working with retired military men?
And now... I am not sure if the guy next to me or the one around the corner realizes that I am female. I am not even sure that I realize he is male.
We are, as strange as it sounds, a group of professionals all sharing a building and a room and a job that has to be done.
There is no casual flirtation that often happens when women work with men.
There is no real male joking around.
And the language... clean as you can imagine outside of the office managers.
I could wear a sexy low cut dress or an uptight all black suit... and I am not sure anyone would actually know the difference.
Which leaves me wondering if we just don't have the time to look at one another or to know one another? Do we just not have the time to relax and build teams?
Do we just not care?
Given I spent the first part of my career disliking men looking at my chest over my eyes in a professional environment and considered myself a person with a brain over just a body... This is quite a new and odd feeling for me. i am now what I wanted to be... a professional, like many others... in a room of professionals. A brain with a body that is neither noticed or not noticed.
So I kicked off my shoes today and thought - I wonder if anyone will notice? And if they did, I will never know!
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